Black Box Dating
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Black Box Dating
#5 - The One Kind of Generosity Women Can’t Resist
Ever wondered why your generous gestures toward your date don't always land the way you expect? The answer might surprise you.
When we think about generosity in dating, we typically focus on what we're giving directly to our partner—meals, gifts, experiences. But what if the most powerful form of generosity happens when your date isn't the recipient at all?
Through a compelling bar story involving a woman who had just attended a funeral, this episode reveals how indirect generosity—being generous with others while your date witnesses it—creates a more profound connection than anything you could give directly. Women often question a man's motives when his generosity is focused solely on them: Is this genuine? What does he expect in return? Will this behavior last? But when she observes you extending kindness to strangers, servers, or others in need, she gets an authentic glimpse of your character without the pressure of reciprocation.
The psychology behind this approach creates a fascinating paradox. When you share your generosity with the world around you, it places your date in a larger, safer social circle where she feels more relaxed and connected. Simultaneously, as you give attention to others, she begins to crave your exclusive focus, creating a natural tension that deepens attraction. The key is returning your attention to her, ensuring she knows she holds a special place in your world.
Whether it's treating a stranger to dinner, helping someone with their luggage, or simply showing patience with service staff, these moments reveal who you truly are when nobody's keeping score. And that's what creates the most powerful connection.
What opportunities will you find today to let someone witness your generosity toward others?
Cool, all right, guys. So today we're going to be talking about the best way to be generous, and I'm going to start off by talking about a situation I was in. Oh, come on slides. Why are they not doing their thing? You guys see my screen right. Best way to be generous doing their thing. You guys see my screen right. Best way to be generous. Yep, you can see it. Cool. Do you see it changing slides for you or no? No, it's still the same one. What the heck? I tested this beforehand. Give me a second. I'm sorry. I apologize. There we go. Okay, I'll have to just click on another screen. You guys see a picture of a bar now, right, cool, okay, thank you so much. Okay. So I'm going to start off by talking about this um particular date.
Speaker 1:I was on, um. This was um. This was with a girlfriend and we went out to a bar and I was just the two of us and we like to go up to the bar to have a meal sometimes. Um, she's actually she was a very petite eater, so we would like get a big plate and she would like nibble off of mine. That just made her feel more comfortable, and so there was two spots open at the bar and there was this attractive woman that was there, seemingly by herself. And I always make the strategic decision to put my date next to the attractive woman because I don't want to be stuck with my date on one side and potentially making conversation or being playful with an attractive woman on the other side. Like that's not the vibe that I want. So I switched the order that I put my date next to the attractive woman. Um, also, my date is fairly social, so I let her, you know, kind of um, flirt with her and be open and everything.
Speaker 1:So we were there, chatted with the woman a little bit, were friendly and I don't know, it was maybe about 15, 20 minutes into it there was another guy at some other part of the bar that saw this woman by herself and he, like I think he bought her a drink and then he came over and tried to approach her. But they were clearly like a mismatch, like they were not dressed the same way. This woman was dressed in in a dress looking attractive. This guy was like I don't know, just came from a job site or something like you know, sort of he wasn't wearing a hard hat, but he could have been and I'm thinking to myself, I'm like what are you doing, buddy? No, there's no way this is happening. Like you are not, you are not vibing with her.
Speaker 1:But she declined him and you know, but my date was really nice and um was, um, you know, kind of welcoming her and making her feel kind of safe in our group and um, you know, and then it went on and and, and you could tell, we could tell that her, like her emotions and stuff, like we're a little down, she wasn't exactly in the happiest mood that day, um, so I told the the bartender, you know, just cause she had kind of joined us, I said, you know, hey, put, put her stuff on our tab. You know, I'm going to, I'm going to cover her her dinner and her drinks. And, um, you know, and then when she went to pay it, uh, when, when she went to pay the bill, the doctor said no, no, no, it's good, they got you. And there was this look on her face that she was really happy and kind of relieved. And it turns out that the woman had just been at a funeral. We had no idea talking with her, but she was there and she was from out of town. She was there just for the day and, you know, somebody in her family had passed away and it was nice that she had socialized with us. But that act of generosity of you know, just including her in our little event and you know, and treating her, that opened things up and she really enjoyed it. The woman that enjoyed it even more was my girlfriend, because my girlfriend, seeing what we did and what we provided for this woman that was coming in from out of town by herself being hit on at the bar by a guy she didn't really want to be hit on and then just, you know, giving her the you know, free meal and free drinks, that really opened her up and my girlfriend felt like she was at the center of like a big circle of love.
Speaker 1:Basically, and that is the sort of way that is, the best way to be generous, as a man is, um, is to not just focus on your date. That's what we, that's what we tend to do. We tend to think, okay, I'm out with my date, I'm getting to know her now, this is my girlfriend. But the same applies to dates. I've been on dates where similar things have happened. Your, our, our focus is on our date. We're going to be generous with her, we're going to treat her, we're going to pay for drinks for her, we're going to buy her a meal, we're going to pay for tickets to wherever.
Speaker 1:But the thing is like, in her mind, she's sort of like, okay, so I don't know this guy Is he? Is he trying to, like, just pay for these things to get my attention? You know? Is he expecting something in return? My attention? You know? Is he expecting something in return? Is this really what he behaves like? Or is this just kind of like an act? And it's totally normal that a woman is going to think this. She's going to be like is this, you know? Is this, is this really what this guy is like? Can I really trust this? And also, she's going to ask you know, is this going to last? You know this guy's being generous now, but once I sleep with him, once we, you know, once we take things to the next step, is his behavior going to start to change. And that's the first thing that you really have to think about.
Speaker 1:This is women. When we are first courting them, they're going to question a man's generosity up front, and particularly they're going to question that generosity because it's focused on them. When we're giving to them, they're thinking, okay, is this the first part of a transaction where the guy is expecting me to provide something in return? So, being generous with a woman directly, I'm not saying you don't want to do it, but there's a question in there in her mind, and I've asked lots of women about this and they've said, yes, we are always wondering what are the guy's motivations, what are the guy's intentions, what's he after and how long is this going to last? The women are going to question a man's generosity when it's focused directly on them. So I'm going to pause there for a minute. If anybody has any questions they want to drop in the chat, just go ahead and type it in before I continue, and if not, we'll just keep on rolling. So and of course, I am super good at running this stuff as a as a presenter, and I can't see my speaker notes, so I'm going to jump over real quick and see what my next one is.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, so the what the best way to be to be generous is to realize that there is this sort of implied pressure that we've got, that we're working with with her, and so we want to take the pressure off of her and start to direct it outward into the world. So at the bar, even without treating that woman to the date, including her in our social situation, we are actually kind of providing her some cover and some protection from the guy coming, you know, from the other end of the bar trying to ask her out. Um, okay, question Do you always make sure she notices it when you were being generous? Um, make sure she notices? Um, I don't think we don't need to call it out. You definitely don't need to say hey, you know I'm doing this. Um, I think it's generally pretty visible, um, when you're doing it, and I think also your energy and your state shifts when you're open with other people and let me just open up the chat here so I can see these. Yeah, so how okay? So make sure let's see. Do you always make sure she notices it when you are being generous? I think I think what you want to do is you want to slow down the time when you're doing it to make it visible to everybody, let it sink in. I think that's the easiest way to make sure she notices is to not like you don't need to downplay it, you don't need to hide it, but I think really what it is is you're including them in your experience along with your date. You're expanding. The date is originally just two people, but you're expanding the world into a larger two people, and when you're inviting them in to experience that with you, that then becomes something that is visible to everybody. I think that would be the tactful way to do that.
Speaker 1:Another question there how do you stop being conscious about? Am I being generous right now, or does it come naturally? So here's the thing for me when I'm being generous, like when I'm going to treat somebody to, you know, to food or drinks, like I did at the bar, I always it's. It's it's an emotional thing for me. I feel it. There's like a twisting that happens inside of my chest. I wouldn't call it being self-conscious, but I'm very aware of it. It's an emotional experience for me that generosity in a certain way, is breaking some of the social norms because you're reaching out. It's like you're putting your arms and hugging people that are like not in the family, but now they're in the family, and like we have to almost break out of a normal size shell to to bring them in. It's natural once you do it like once they're in and once they're included, it feels natural, but to do that is is a bit of a stretch, and the stretch is maybe not exactly natural. So I guess it's. I guess it's a little bit of both.
Speaker 1:The idea, though, is you're trying to include more than just yourself when you're doing it, and when you do that it puts her in a bigger, safer circle. When it's just the two of you on a date, it's a circle of two. Once we brought this other woman in my date, my girlfriend at the time felt like she was at the center of a much, much bigger circle Well, much bigger. There's only three of us, but she felt that she was at the center of a larger social circle. The bartender also, immediately, is treating us differently. We're in a bigger circle, and women want to feel safe socially. Women do not like being isolated. Women do not like to feel like they're being taken away from the group and, you know, shut away in a house where who knows what could happen to them. Women want to feel like they are.
Speaker 1:At the one time I was, we were out on a Valentine's Day date with somebody, and the bartender was being really, really nice and she was talking about how rough it was, you know, on a Valentine's Day, to be a bartender. And I don't remember. But I, you know, we ran up I don't know, not a huge bill, but I tipped her a hundred percent so I just doubled the bill to pay for her. And that was a generosity towards the bartender, um, for for the work that she was doing. And my date, like she just relaxed, she felt open because she knew that we were just including more people in the group and when she's in a bigger, safer circle, the woman's just going to relax and have a better time about it.
Speaker 1:And again I get to go back, yeah, the other thing is when we share our generosity outwardly towards other people, suddenly there's this little piece of our date that starts to feel neglected. We are not giving her all of our undivided attention anymore. We are a high quality man that's in demand in the center of this bigger social circle, but I also want him to myself, Like I also want to have a special place with him at the center of that circle. I want his focus to actually be on me. So there's sort of this paradox of we go out, we share the generosity, we give the energy outward, where our date knows that it's it, it's, there's nothing transactional about it. But then they want to know that we're going to come back to them. If we just wander off like a social butterfly and we're buying drinks for everybody and we almost forget that we're on a date, the date's going to feel neglected. Our date's going to feel ignored. Our date's going to feel like, oh, he's just like this in the world and he's just, you know, sort of floating through it, having his own fun time and he's not really on a date with me. In order to make it fully effective, she's going to crave us coming back to her and we have to come back to her. We have to bring it full circle, back to her. We have to bring it full circle Again with the date I was on with my girlfriend at the bar.
Speaker 1:We had the moment that involved the bartender. We had the moment that involved the woman on the other side of her. But eventually me and my date we go back to the car together and she's glowing inside because she knows that I'm coming back and she's going to have time alone just with me At the bar. I'm busy exchanging and being generous with my energy, with a larger group and during that time that creates the craving, that's creating anticipation. She enjoys having me out there, but then she wants to have me all to herself again and that craving is what creates the emotional buildup. That's what pushes her over the edge from just well, thank you for the dinner, thank you for another date, thank you for being generous to me. It takes it from that into a much larger world where the experience is not just two people. The experience is a much larger one and this, ultimately, is the best way to be generous is to be generous indirectly.
Speaker 1:We start, of course. You want to be generous with your date. I think that goes without saying. Treat her to dinner, treat her to the drinks, treat her to tickets, treat her to the experience that you want to have together. But if you really want to show generosity in a way that works, you want to be generous indirectly, not just to her but to the world around her. And, to recap it, women are going to question a man's generosity If we focus too much just on her, that generosity. She's going to wonder what are our motivations? Why are we doing this and, especially, how long is it going to last. So when we share that energy with a much bigger world, it puts her in a bigger, safer social circle and every woman relaxes when they can feel that they are not just have one guy that they can trust, but when they feel they can trust the bartender, they can trust the older couple that's around them, they can trust I don't know half the room at the New Year's Eve party because your generosity as her date is opening these other people up to the connection and they're joining the circle. That causes a woman to feel safer and more relaxed.
Speaker 1:And in the process of you giving your generosity to everybody else in the group, she starts to wish that she had that your attention all to herself. She starts craving it and she wants you to come back to her and you need to be sure that in the end you do come back to her. She needs to know that, okay, this is a bigger social circle, but she has a very special place right at the center of it. She wants you to come back to her Going to again. Pause for just a second there. Let anybody throw it in. Yeah, okay. Another question Is it possible it could create jealousy and if so, I guess that could be a red flag. Okay, good point. Could it create jealousy? Well, it all depends on are you so? Are you being generous with your resources and your attention? For what motivation? If you're, if you simply want to make other people feel included and feel good, that's not necessarily going to create any bad jealousy. But if you're doing it because you kind of think the other woman is hot and you start flirting with her and you're neglecting your date, I would say that that definitely creates jealousy.
Speaker 1:One of the things that I would do if I'm complimenting somebody or I'm being playful with a couple, I will make physical contact with my date. I'll put my hand on the back of her back or around her waist, or I'll pull her in closer just to reassure her. Hey, I'm with you and I'm signaling to everybody else in the group this is my date. I might be being playful with all of you, but I'm not available. At least this evening I am not available. This is the woman that I'm with and I feel that that lets you uh kind of ride the fence a little bit and be playful and be flirtatious, because flirtatiousness is again just being playful. Um, I think you can do that as long as your date knows that they're being pulled in and they're actually closer to you than the people you're playing with. Another question I'm guessing being generous need not necessarily, but you monetarily, absolutely a hundred percent monetarily with money. You know that's one way to do it. Compliments are another way Giving people attention, giving people your time.
Speaker 1:I didn't, I didn't go into this story, but one time I stopped on the highway because people had ran out of gas. I was with a date. I don't know why, but I felt like we should stop and check out the situation. Those two people put them in the back of my car and we went to the gas station to get gas. Obviously you have to read a situation. It didn't feel sketchy, it felt safe. Put them in the back, we went there. They didn't have any money. I bought the gas can and the gas drove them back to their car, filled it up, they got started and they were on their way. My date, that date that night, brought up that story five or six times over the next month, or two or six times over the next month or two. That was like a defining moment in our early dating was when we stopped and she saw it as when I stopped and helped those people to get gas. It's not the money, it was the time and it was the act of service that really made the impact.
Speaker 1:Another question Do you have another situation or example where I can be generous in another way, without using any money? Some with the same idea? Yeah, so there is that example. Yeah, cool, all right.
Speaker 1:Well, I want to leave you guys with one thought to think about with this, and that is are you letting her witness your generosity, so she experiences the generosity when it's given towards her? But when you're out socializing with other people, you let somebody else go first. You help somebody load something heavy into the back of their truck or their car. You help that little old lady you know figure out whatever it is that she has to figure out. Or you, you know, buy some couple. You know their meal or their drinks.
Speaker 1:What's happening is she is witnessing you being a generous man, and that's the trick. We're usually focused on what I am giving and how I'm being generous to my date. Think about, when you're out on the date, what is a way for her to witness you being generous, not towards her, but towards the larger world, because that is what reveals your character as a man, that's what reveals your real intentions as a man, and that's what makes her want, paradoxically, to have you all to herself. That's really what it comes down to when it comes to the best way to be generous. All right, guys, we're going to continue this discussion in the office hours and I'll see you in there.