Black Box Dating
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Black Box Dating
#6 - Ever Worry She’ll Think You’re Creepy?
Ever caught yourself frozen with the fear of being labeled "creepy" when considering approaching someone you're interested in? You're not alone. In this deeply insightful exploration of male approach anxiety, we uncover the fascinating paradox that the men who worry most about being perceived as creepy are typically the ones who aren't, while actual creeps rarely concern themselves with how they're coming across.
The fear of being creepy often paralyzes good men with overthinking. We dissect this mental spiral—the flood of questions like "What will I say?" and "How will she perceive me?"—that prevents authentic connections from forming. At the core of this anxiety lies a fundamental misunderstanding about natural desire. Many men have internalized the belief that their attraction is somehow problematic, when in reality, desire serves as the essential spark that initiates meaningful connections. Women don't want men to apologize for finding them attractive—they want to be desired respectfully, at appropriate times, and in appropriate ways.
We reveal three powerful principles to overcome this paralyzing fear: First, embrace rather than apologize for your natural desires. Second, understand that a woman's reaction reflects her circumstances far more than it reflects you—she might be in a relationship, dealing with personal issues, or simply having a bad day. Finally, recognize that complexity breeds creepiness—simplicity and transparency in your intentions create clean, respectful interactions. Whether approaching an individual or a group, being clear about your interest eliminates confusion and demonstrates confidence.
Ready to transform your approach anxiety into confident action? Listen now to discover why the question "Who approached her when you didn't?" might be the most powerful motivation to step forward with clear, honest intentions rather than letting fear hold you back.
all right, guys. Thanks everybody for coming in this morning. Um, we are talking about being creepy as a guy, and the thing that's really interesting about being creepy is that most of us, um, it's a thought that creeps in to every guy's mind. Every guy has a moment where they're worried, but they're being creepy, and usually it's actually part of what we approach. Anxiety and what it is is like you're got the cute girls, you've got somebody that you want to approach, and we go way up in our head and we start thinking a whole series of questions. So the first one that comes into the mind is uh, what am I going to say to her? That's like the first question that comes in um, you could everybody make sure, please, you're that you're on mute? Um, um, yeah, the first question is um, is she? You know, what am I going to say to her? Um, on top of that, we start thinking okay, how am I going to be perceived? You know? How is this going to work? What's her reaction going to be?
Speaker 1:All of these things start to come up in our mind and we start to overthink ourselves. We think ourselves out of action and we start to kind of implode and we lose all the great flow state. We lose all of the really good stuff. We're going um again. Um, uh, james, I think you're, I think your mic is still on. If you could mute it for us, that'd be, that'd be great. It may mess with us. Yes, yeah, put your, uh, your microphone on mute. Thank you, um, you got it. Yeah, cool, awesome, thanks. Um, the reason for that is it will switch the video depending on which microphone picks up.
Speaker 1:So so we get into this weird place when we want to approach a woman, and one of the weird things is like we start to get very self-conscious about what it is that we're, what it is that we want to do. We have these natural desires in us. We have these natural you know, these natural instincts to to approach the woman, but we second guess the heck out of it and somehow we get up into our heads that that the fact that we have this desire inside of us is a problem. We start to think that the instinct that we have to approach somebody is somehow deviant, it's somehow deviant, it's somehow twisted, it's somehow deviant, it's somehow twisted, it's somehow not healthy. And that in itself is actually part of the part of the challenge that guys really are facing when they have approach anxiety and you know when, and this worry about being a creep. It's something that really healthy guys worry about, and guys that are creeps actually don't worry about it. They just put themselves out there and they just are completely oblivious to it. And so we end up with kind of a reverse situation where the guys that actually are coming from a healthy place, have good quality desires, are psyching themselves out and they're doubting themselves as a result, themselves out and they're doubting themselves as a result.
Speaker 1:So the first step in going about this is actually that we need to realize that the desires that we have inside of ourselves they're coming from a good place. It's what initiates the connection in the first place. We're not sure what to say, we're feeling nervous and we've got all kinds of doubts and second thoughts that come to our mind. But when the desire is strong enough that can override all of that and begin the initiation, the desire in a lot of ways is like the fire that actually germinates that seed for the new tree in the forest. A lot of times something has to be strong enough in an energy to start the whole process happening. Most of the time women are not going to initiate it. It's the desire inside of a guy that actually starts, kickstarts the entire process of connecting with a woman. So the first thing to remember when you're feeling that narrative inside is like oh, how am I going to be perceived? Is you want to realize that you're not supposed to be apologizing for your desire. Your desire is a healthy good thing. Your desire is the initiating force for the connection.
Speaker 1:Women want to be desired by men. They want to be desired respectfully. They want to be desired in the appropriate time and in the appropriate order. They want guys to be respectful towards them, but they don't want guys to apologize for having desire towards them. Women want to be desired and when we feel that desire we want to realize this is a healthy, natural part of the process and we want to embrace it. One of the ways that I think about it a lot of times is that I need to positively embrace my desires. Don't apologize for them. Positively embrace them in whatever situation that I'm in, and say this is part of me, this is part of who I am. It does me no good at all to try and to try and deny it, to try and suppress it, to try and rationalize it away. I think that girl's attractive, I'm going to own it and I'm not going to apologize for it. Good, take a pause right there. Let that sink in Again. Feel free to drop into the chat any comments or questions that you have along the way, and then we'll just keep on rolling.
Speaker 1:So when we're in that situation and we're feeling the creepy vibes and the narrative inside of ourselves start to kick in and we start to consider the possibility of getting up out of our chair and walking across the room to talk to her, or, uh, you're at the climbing gym and her and two of her closest friends are over there and you want to go over and and approach her and, um, put yourself out there and and introduce yourself like immediately. Okay, we've owned inside of ourselves what we want, but what are they going to do? How are they going to react? How is she going to react? I think in today's society, particularly TikTok has done a fabulous job of this, of us worrying about, of making men worry about the reactions that women are going to have, and so we all decided it's just easier to put our heads down and to and to try to avoid any type of reaction that might be coming our way. Um, again, that's a recipe for shutting down the entire initiation. Um, most women are really not going to have negative reactions.
Speaker 1:Uh, most of the time that we approach a woman, a lot of the times that things aren't working out, it's because she's already in a relationship that's probably the first one she's just not available. She might not be interested in us personally, that's true, but there's plenty of other things she might have just gotten out of a relationship. She might be dealing with things in her family. She might be looking for a new job. She might be dealing with, you know, some kind of mental health stuff. She might be, you know, struggling with depression. There's all kinds of things that could be happening. But the thing that we're worried about as a guy is how is she going to react, or how are her friends going to react when we approach her? So again, we've gotten over that desire. But there's that what's going to happen when I actually start talking to her.
Speaker 1:And the thing that we want to remember with those reactions is those reactions are really mostly about her. Most of the reaction that she's having isn't about the guy that's actually walking up to her. She doesn't know the first thing about us. She probably doesn't have much of a chance to actually get to know us and her reaction has mainly to do with what kind of a day she's been having her relationship status before we even talk to her. Her reaction is going to be about what she's got that's stressful in her life the relationship that she just got out of her other girlfriends telling her horror stories, or even just the podcast that she does listen to about the serial real-life true-crime killer stuff Women love does listen to, about, you know, the serial real life true crime killer stuff. Women love to listen to these shows and it puts into their heads all kinds of like kind of toxic narratives that work their way into the dating scene.
Speaker 1:There is so much going on inside of a woman that we want to approach and her reaction is mostly about her. It's mostly about what's going on inside of a woman that we want to approach and her reaction is mostly about her. It's mostly about what's going on inside of her, and we need to stop taking on the responsibility of her reaction on ourselves and thinking, oh, I'm a creep and I'm and and I'm causing this reaction inside of her. No, the reaction is happening mainly on her end and where she's coming from. It's not a reflection of who we are. It's not a reflection of how genuine we are. It's not a reflection of how good of a guy we are. It's simply not. Her reaction is mostly telling us about who she is and not about who we are.
Speaker 1:Again, just going to pause for a second if anyone throws in yeah. So here's a question how would you know if she is ready to be approached? It's a good question. It's hard to tell these days because we don't have established social cues. As far as what, as far as there isn't a rule book for this is what you do. This is how you send the message. Eye contact is definitely one of those things. Extended eye contact, that definitely communicates it. Honestly, it depends on how busy an environment it is.
Speaker 1:I find that actually going into a situation that's a little more, where I can be in her proximity, have a casual interaction, then I can gauge whether or not her interest is there, because there are so many distractions in life that a lot of times she's just not that aware and I don't feel that a lack of a signal from her is necessarily a reason not to try to initiate some contact. That was a real short answer to that one, but there are some other questions I want to get to. If I can figure out how to open it up, okay. Next question what's my mindset and things to say in the initial approach? Again, really good question. The mindset that you want to have, if I was to sum it up in one word, would be open. Okay, the mindset needs to be I'm openly exchanging with the world and I'm going to receive whatever happens in response to my openness, whether it's positive, whether it's negative, whether it's availability or unavailability on her end. My mindset that I want to have is going to be open and the things that you're going to say in that are going to be a reflection of the open exchange that's happening. You want the things that you're saying as much as possible to reflect the three that we've mentioned before. The three is what is she wearing, what is she holding or what is she doing? You're open to what's happening in the moment and you're interacting with those and whatever is actually coming out of her mouth. That's what you want to exchange with.
Speaker 1:Another question what is your opinion on approaching a group of two or more, meaning you approach the one you're interested in or the whole group? Um, my opinion is, the more women there are, the more strong and confident you have to be, and that actually, um, well, it really challenges us as guys. It also earns us lots of brownie points. Also, when you're approaching a woman that is with one or two other women, she is going to automatically feel more safe because there are more women around her. When she's alone and you're approaching her, she's going to naturally feel a little less safe. It might be tougher for us, but if you can approach, when you approach a woman that is with more than one person more you know female friends I don't know you are going to she's going to feel more safe in that interaction. She's going to feel like the pressure is on you because you know they're a gang and you're on your own. Also, you're going to earn more respect for really taking your shot because she knows if you walked up to a group of two, three or four women and as a guy, that must mean that one, you've got confidence and two, you really are owning your desire.
Speaker 1:Another question tips for approaching a group of girls. Okay, we already did that. What do I do if I'm attracted to just one Group of girls. Okay, we already did that. What do I do if I'm attracted to just one? Well, again, you approach the group, socialize with all of them and then be transparent about what it is that you want. Coming back to the question about being creepy creepiness is about concealing your desires. If you're walking up to this group, say, look, you ladies are all fun. I actually came over to talk to you and I wanted to know if you're single, if you might be interested in having a drink. Having the boldness and the clarity to say that in front of the group is perfectly fine. If you were doing this in a situation that's maybe more like networking and everyone is sort of coming as individuals, that could be very awkward. But if you're walking up to a group of girls and you're talking to just and you're singling out and asking out just one of them, that's not really going to put them on the spot, because the whole group knows you're going to ask one of them out Like they. They know that's part of it.
Speaker 1:Another question I find that the initial hello is the hardest part. After 30 seconds things can be navigated more skillfully. What are one or two things to say? Examples, please, okay, well, okay, okay. Well, that's a big question. One or two concrete examples of what you can say. It comes back to being transparent and being in the moment. Um, concrete things that you could say you've talked to the group, you've, you've said hello. There's a little bit of bantering back and forth. Great things to say would be limit the time that you're there and then state the reason that you're there.
Speaker 1:Hey, girls, I gotta get back to my friend here.
Speaker 1:But the reason I came over to talk to you was I actually wanted to know if you're single.
Speaker 1:Um, girls, I gotta get back to my friend here. But the reason I came over to talk to you was I actually wanted to know if you're single. Um, see how she responds to that. If she is single, would you be interested in having a drink later? Or coffee? She says yes or no. Well, great, let me grab your number um, stating clearly where you're coming from and what you're doing. That's really what it, what it comes down to, and that is to just come back to it. That is ultimately the antidote to creepiness.
Speaker 1:Creepiness is about concealing your intentions, and that really comes into our last point here, which is, the more we complicate the interaction, the more it's going to seem creepy. A girl is going to start to question what's really going on with this guy. Why is this guy talking to me and my group of friends? What are his intentions? That's where the creepiness comes in. If we're in there, we're having some bantering, some playfulness, some hello, and then we say, you know, I need to run here and I need to get back to my friends, I need to go, I don't know. Like you know, my chicken needs to be fed, whatever, you know some reason to jump away. When we're transparent about why we were there, we make the whole situation clean and clear. It is not complicated anymore.
Speaker 1:Creepy guys are adding complications to the whole interaction because they don't want to reveal where they're coming from. Nice guys tend to have this problem where we tend to overcomplicate it in our heads because we think, well, I have to do all these things before I tell her why I'm here. Buddy, she already knows why you're there. She already knows why you're approaching her. If you want to make it as effective as possible, make it uncomplicated in your intentions. So just to recap, the first thing is when you're experiencing some approach, anxiety and that little voice comes in going. Ah, she's going to feel like I'm a creep. Remember you don't apologize for your desires. Your desires are good. They are the fire and the force and the motivation that gets the whole process kick-started and going. The second thing is her reaction is mostly about her. We're going to take it personally, especially if it's rejection, but her reaction really says much, much more about who she is and where she's coming from and where she is in her life than it says about us as a man. And the third thing is complicated, is creepy. So simplify the whole situation by being clear.
Speaker 1:I think we had one more question. I want to jump in and see if we've got time to answer it before I leave you with the last, the last takeaway. This seems like the way we should interact with the world too, in addition to ladies. Absolutely, this is absolutely how we interact with the world. The thing is, we tend not to have sexual desires for the world. So we I don't think most people walk around the world, most men walk around the world worry that they're just creepy as people in the world. It's specifically when we have a sexual desire for a woman, when we feel attracted to her. That's where this creepy narrative tends to come up into our head. So the last thing that I want to lead you guys with is this question, which is, if you let that creepy part build up inside of you and you let it paralyze you from approaching her, ask yourself who approached this woman when you didn't?
Speaker 1:I know there are many situations in my life where I didn't make the move that I wanted to make. I didn't take the shot that I wanted to take. Some other guys did, and some of those guys, I'm sure, are just fine. A lot of those guys, though, that really don't care. They don't even think twice about whether or not they are doing this. They are approaching the woman respectfully.
Speaker 1:The women are not enjoying that, and what I did by being stuck in this narrative inside of my own head and not approaching her, she didn't get the positive experience of being approached by me as a good quality, uncomplicated man. So who approached her when you didn't? We didn't give her the experience that we want to give her as a man and, at the same time, we didn't get the experience that we want to give her as a man and, at the same time, we didn't get the experience that we wanted as a man. So that is it for this talk on worrying about if she'll see you as a creep. We're going to jump into the office hours now and open up the mics and have a more open discussion. Thank you, guys, so much, and I'll be sending out this video later in the week.