Speaker 1: 0:02

All right, guys. Thank you so much for joining me this morning. Today we're going to be talking about how to laugh at yourself the right way. Oh, and of course, I have them shared in place, okay. So today we're talking about how to laugh at yourself the right way as a guy.

Speaker 1: 0:24

When I talk with women and they talk about red flags guys that can't laugh at themselves, guys that take themselves too seriously, is one of the biggest red flags that they tell me about is in super serious mode. If he is trying to get everything right on the date, if he's trying to have his act together, if he is making this huge effort but he isn't, but he's locked up and he's not breathing essentially just like the guy that you see in this photo. That is not a man that a woman wants to be on a date with. That is a scary man. That is a man that a woman feels that energy and says this guy is a pressure cooker, this guy is a ticking time bomb, and the longer I am sticking around with this guy, the longer I'm on a date with him, the more I get involved with him. Doesn't matter how much money he's making, doesn't matter how attractive he is, doesn't matter, you know how. Doesn't matter if he's saying all the right things. It doesn't matter if he's, you know, charming and charismatic in you know, in other areas, if he's taking himself too seriously, if he is too focused and intense and and and just all about business and doing it right, most women are going to run the other way from him.

Speaker 1: 2:01

And what's what's interesting about this is is, guys, we're programmed. We are built to do things right, to do things correctly, to do things properly, like we're procedural animals a lot of the time and we want to know what's the right thing for me to say, what's the right thing for me to do. And when we're thinking that way, laughing and at ourselves in the process doesn't make any sense at all. We are thinking am I performing correctly? Am I executing correctly? That's what's in our brains. And when you put an attractive woman in front of us, we latch on to what should I be doing and am I executing it correctly? We latch onto that even more.

Speaker 1: 2:49

And what happens in the process is our sense of humor, particularly about ourselves, immediately diminishes and it starts to go off to the side and we go into like intense business interview mode. Um, like intense business interview mode. Um, this is a natural tendency that guys have because we want to be competent, we want to be good at what we're doing. But it is one of the biggest turnoffs that happens on on dates with women, cause I hear this from women constantly. They're like I need the guy to be able to laugh at himself, I need the guy to be able to breathe, because, um, one part of that is um, well, we'll get, we'll get into that a little bit later in the, in the talk. But so this is something that we have to be aware of as guys. We have to observe whether or not we are getting locked up in that state and we need to shift it.

Speaker 1: 3:49

And, um, what a lot of guys do actually when they're in that state is they're they're thinking okay, well, I need to be able to laugh at myself, I need to be a little light-hearted, and what they'll do is they'll actually take it to a bit of um, um, they'll take, they'll, they'll take kind of a cheap route. Um, and particularly guys that don't exude a lot of confidence or they're with a woman that they're really attracted to Um, you know she'll poke a little fun at us, you know she'll. We'll, we'll mention what we do for work, or we'll mention you know, you know that I'm a programmer, and she'll, she'll poke some fun at you know something about being, you know, super analytical. Or maybe you know, one of my hobbies is, you know, is, rock climbing, and she'll you know, and she'll make some comment I don't know about. You know how dirty I am, or something like that. And if I'm not feeling secure in myself, I'm going to feel kind of attacked by that and the only way that I can feel that it's possible for me to get on the same page as her is I'm going to mimic her behavior and actually start teasing myself. I'm going to start being a little bit self-deprecating.

Speaker 1: 5:00

The kind of laughing at myself that I'm going to do is the kind where it's actually oh well, she's kind of picking on me. Dallas is going to pick on himself also, and that'll be fine and that'll loosen it up, and that is not the kind of humor that we're talking about. That is one that's not going to actually open us up, one that's not going to actually open us up. So when we are trying to break out of ourselves, don't follow her lead in the teasing. We don't want to be teasing ourselves. We don't want to actually be laughing at ourselves. What we want to do is we want to find the place where we're actually laughing with ourselves. As a guy, you want to laugh with yourself, not at yourself. Again, the woman might be taking shots, trying to poke fun and get to a more playful place with you. That's fine, let her do that. But realize that what you want to do is welcome her in and you want to welcome in the reality of, of, of what you do on a daily basis, and laugh with the reality of what you are. Don't laugh at it.

Speaker 1: 6:14

This comes back to the, to the um, to to the, to the old thing that we say you know, with friends it's like oh, we're not laughing, we're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you. There's a very big distinction about how the person experiences that laughter. If we're laughing at someone, it makes them feel smaller. If we're laughing with them, that person is genuinely laughing also, even though they're the subject of the laughter. When we're looking for how to laugh at ourselves as a guy, we need to be seeking for how we can laugh with ourselves in a way that actually is open and accepting of who we are. Yeah, pause there for just a second and let that one kind of sink in, because it's a subtle difference, but boy does it make a huge reality shift in the way that we're perceived, and particularly when we're on a date and we're trying to maintain confidence, it helps that confidence open up when we laugh with ourselves.

Speaker 1: 7:19

So again, anybody has any questions or any comments that they want to throw into the chat, feel free and then I will. Um, just keep on moving on through with this talk that we're doing so when? Yeah, so we do have a joke here. Um, do you come up with preparation or do you prepare jokes beforehand? Um, or do you do them on the spot? Yeah, do you come up with? Yeah, do you prepare jokes before beforehand or is that a bad idea? Um, humor, genuine, solid humor, is spontaneous. It's, it's a lived experience in the moment.

Speaker 1: 8:07

Having a joke. You know that you commonly tell that's fine, you know it's like. You know the way I like to describe being a programmer is like this that's fine, but it needs to be a script or a joke that is lived and felt in the moment. It has to feel relevant in the moment. It can't just be kind of like a salesperson. It can't just be a sales script that you're reading off and it feels generic. It has to come from the heart in the moment, because all humor has to have connection with the person telling the joke and the other people around them. If, if the jokes are too prepared, they're going to fall flat because they're not going to be relatable to the particular scenario that we're in and the comment that the person thank you. Thank you for the question. That's a good question.

Speaker 1: 9:07

Another part of finding the humor and this also goes from laughing at to laughing with is there's nothing funny about everything that we do. Right. There's no humor in that. If you listen to any comedy routines, people are finding the nitty-gritty, um weirdness behind people. They're finding the oddities, they're finding the unexpected stuff, they're finding the stuff that's honestly kind of wrong and and they're and they're demonstrating it in a light that one we can all relate to and two we can actually kind of find endearing and lovable about the weirdness. That's where the heart of the humor actually comes from, and when we're laughing at ourself, what we have to do is start to see that. That's that we are built that way. We have to see that we have weird elements.

Speaker 1: 10:05

You know that, uh, you know my quirky programming habits, or you know, one of the things that I actually do in real life is that I do, um, dry stone masonry. I stack rocks into walls up in the mountains. This is an absurd thing to do. To spend an entire day up in the mountains doing it makes no sense. Nobody even gets to see it, but me. And if I take myself too seriously and I don't know how to laugh at myself, that date isn't going to go very well. But if I can laugh at how ridiculous it is and how odd dallas is because this is one of the things that he does that actually is what is where the opportunity for humor comes in and the other things, particularly if I had a misstep, if I should have said something a little differently than I did, if I handled the situation wrong, or if it's happening right there on the date and I spill something or I step on her shoe or something like that and I mess up. It's again.

Speaker 1: 11:07

It's about embracing the fact that I'm not perfect, and that's the other thing that we have to do to really get to the heart of how to laugh at yourself. The right way is you have to embrace the imperfections as a guy. If we think we're perfect or if we're trying to fake it and perform on a date as if we're perfect, guys, that's just. That's just not going to work, because most women are very much have an insecure side, an insecure side inside of them, and they're looking for a guy that can accept them for who they are. For every amount that a guy is critical of himself, women are very, very critical of themselves. It means that they have imperfections.

Speaker 1: 11:58

When a guy can laugh at himself, when a guy can embrace his own imperfections, he's actually demonstrating to a woman I'm the kind of guy that's okay with things not being perfect. Not only that, I'm the kind of guy that looks at things that are imperfect and I love them, I embrace them, I accept them, they're welcome at this table and they actually make us joyful and laugh. And I'm doing this by demonstrating how I embrace my own imperfections. In doing that, that causes her to relax and realize ah, I don't have to be perfect. With this guy, I can let out my imperfections. It's okay for me, as a woman, to laugh and embrace my own imperfections. This guy is so good at embracing who he is, that he might actually help me embrace myself as a woman better. When we're laughing at ourself in a healthy way, that is the result Self-acceptance. We're embracing the imperfections Again.

Speaker 1: 13:12

Just going to pause for a second, let that soak in If anybody has anything that they want to comment on or ask. I just want to give a couple seconds here. So the um. The last thing about laughing at yourself the right way is we. I'm a guy laughing at myself. I'm'm doing it with myself. But the amazing thing about humor, when it is done well, is that everyone gets to join in. This is a shared experience. I'm laughing at my own imperfections. I'm laughing with myself and not at myself.

Speaker 1: 14:05

And when I do it the right way, people recognize what I'm doing. You know I'm being vulnerable by showing these parts of myself and people recognize those vulnerable pieces. People recognize those imperfections. They can see what I'm laughing at and they can relate to it because they're like, yeah, I haven't been in that exact situation, but I've got a weird OCD side to me also. Or I've got a weird clumsy element when I'm out on a date too, and everyone looks at it and sort of wonders why, why are we built this way? Why are we imperfect beings? Why can't eating at a restaurant in front of a person never splash or spill? Why can't this just be a whole lot less awkward?

Speaker 1: 15:05

And again, if you go to a comedy show I love going to stand up comedy when you go to a comedy show, what those comedians are talking about is they're talking about the experience they've had. They're talking about somebody else that they've met, but they're translating it into this much larger context where we're looking at this and we're like what the fuck is going on, like why in the world is the world built this way? And the fact that we're laughing at it means that we're looking at it and we're loving it anyway. And that's the really key point. When you're laughing at yourself is you're inviting someone to enjoy the absurdity of what's going on, and we have to, as a guy, enjoy the absurdity of what's going on and we have to, as a guy, enjoy the absurdity of it all. We're on this date. We don't know what's going to happen. I've got my weird things, you've got your weird things, I don't know why, but this is the way we're built and I'm laughing at myself and doing this and I'm and I'm bringing everybody into it so we can enjoy how fucking absurd all of this really is. And that is the open state that we want to get to, where everybody's relaxed and being relaxed is where a woman feels safe and she starts to have fun. And then we start to get to a more romantic chemistry. Side to everything is we have to just embrace the absurdity of it.

Speaker 1: 16:34

So, to recap on all this again how to laugh at yourself the right way? The most important thing, first of all, is remember you need to develop the skill to laugh at yourself as a man, open, relaxed. Go ahead and poke fun at me. I will take it in. I'm not going to get upset, I'm not going to have a frowny face about it. And when I join in with your poking fun is I'm going to remember that I'm going to laugh with myself and not at myself. I'm not putting myself down when I'm doing it. I am building myself up and accepting myself to it. Right on the back of that, when I'm laughing at myself, I am openly showing and embracing all of the imperfections that are inside of me. This is what makes me relatable. This is what makes me a man that people can look at and go. He's just like me and boy I wish I could laugh at myself the way that he's laughing at himself.

Speaker 1: 17:31

When you're really doing it, well, you are opening up this connection that everybody has to the absurdity of how all of this is playing out when you are laughing at yourself as a man. These are some of the key steps to laughing at yourself the right way. And the last question that I want to leave you with to think about all of this when you're laughing at yourself and when you're doing it right, does everyone else laugh? Are they tolerating the way that you're behaving, or are you actually connecting enough with yourself that that laughter creates a lift for everyone around you? Does your laughter actually lift everyone around you? Does your self-acceptance lead to their self-acceptance lead to their self-acceptance? Does your vulnerability lead them to being naturally more vulnerable? Does your connecting with yourself make them feel more connected with you and everyone around you?

Speaker 1: 18:41

This is the amazing quality of humor and laughter. It is a shared experience and it is one of the biggest gifts that a man can bring to the table. And, just to go full circle, it's a huge red flag when a guy can't laugh at himself, but a guy that can laugh at himself and that is humorous genuinely in that way is a huge turn on to women. It is a huge green light. Again, women are really self-critical in a lot of ways, and to know that they're with a man that can laugh about it and that when he does, he creates lift for them, their attraction is going to go way, way up and the dates are going to be way more successful. All right, guys, that's some of the key points on how to laugh at yourself the right way. We are going to jump into office hours now to open up the conversation and talk about anything going on in the dating life. I will catch you, guys, over there.