Speaker 1: 0:02

All right, I believe the recording is underway. Thank you guys for coming in. I just have to say how much I really enjoyed us talking about this first question what are you tired of women talking about on a date? Really really good answers, really good conversation, and I love the big turnout for this talk.

Speaker 1: 0:26

The topic is women don't want empathy from you and part of the discussion we were having started off with you know what is the definition of empathy, and I think, at the root of it, empathy is feeling somebody else's feelings. Um, somebody that is empathetic, uh, or an empath, um, almost can't avoid feeling someone else's feelings. Um, that is what women tend to do with each other. Naturally, you know, you go all the way back to, like, you know, high school, middle school, like slumber parties between girls. They're like reading each other's minds, they're finishing each other's sentences. And then I know grown women, you know that are in their sixties, that still do this with their sisters and with their mothers. They're they, they. They have a level of, they have a lack of emotional barrier between each other. That is, that is not on a rational level, it's not even linguistic, it's really empathetic. They are really feeling each other and resonating with each other and women get that from other women.

Speaker 1: 1:33

This topic came up actually from a private session where a client was talking about how frustrating it is to listen to women talk about certain topics. This one was actually about um, about how she wouldn't shut up about work, and the client was like, why does she have to talk to me about this? Like, she has girlfriends, she has mother. You know one mother she's got, she's got sisters, she's got all these other women you know half the world population that she can potentially talk to why, when we're on a date and we're looking at a romantic situation, why does she need to talk to me about this when she has so many other people she can unload this on? And what came up really in the conversation is that what she's looking for isn't really empathy. So this is the scenario.

Speaker 1: 2:30

I'm sure everybody has been in this situation Gosh, I know that I have like way too many times and you have an enthusiastic woman on the other side of the table who has so much to share, so much to say about shit that you just don't care about. It's about work, it's about stuff happening in the family, it's about her neighbors, it's about her dog. It's about past relationships and she's just getting all of this emotion worked up and worked up and we're sitting here not built to empathize with it. As men we're not wired that way. You know. The mistake that men traditionally make is we hear a woman saying all this and then we try to fix the problem. They tell us more, we try to fix the problem. I hope you guys know that is not the way to handle the situation. That will never, ever play out well.

Speaker 1: 3:22

But in today's society we're told as guys well, just be a good listener, you know, emotional intelligence is what you need. Okay, I don't know that, I've said it on one of these Saturday morning calls, but emotional intelligence for men looks different in many respects than emotional intelligence for women, and included in that is we have a different emotional intelligence language that we use with ourselves and with other men, and even towards women. That is completely different than the emotional intelligence language that women use. So again, wanting to be empathetic this word doesn't really exist between men. We don't really do this. This is a foreign concept. So, guys, you don't have to swallow this shit. You don't have to take it in and go. Oh, I'm supposed to be like this, because even if you get really good at it, she might like your company, she might like you listening, but she's not going to get turned on.

Speaker 1: 4:18

And that's where the topic really comes in is of women not wanting your empathy. They say they do, but when we provide it, they're not actually getting turned on. We're, we're, we're basically stuck in a friend zone of sorts, and so, yeah, so it's, it's a bit of a dead end here. So the question is, when we're in this situation, we're getting worn down and the woman is, you know, is doing her thing, we have to like pull back, like, like pull the emergency brake on the trolley and say, hang on, what's actually going on here?

Speaker 1: 4:53

What is this woman actually after she's um, she's not looking for you to resonate her feelings. She's not looking for you to go. Oh yeah, no, I know just how you feel. Yeah, yeah, my ex-husband did that. That's obviously not what she's looking for. She's not looking for you to emulate her behavior. She's not looking. She does want to know that. You're hearing her, so taking it in, and so, okay, so I, what I hear you saying is this is that right, that's a good tactic. But for you to say, oh yeah, I. So what I hear you saying is this is that right, that's a good tactic. But for you to say, oh yeah, I hate it when that happens, that when you're doing that, you're pretending to be her or you're pretending to be one of her girlfriends, that is taking you out of a masculine effective energy. We don't want to be doing that. What we want to be doing is sitting at that table and demonstrating that we are paying attention. She's talking to us. She could be doing this with lots of other women, but the fact that she's doing it with us on a date, it could be sloppy behavior on her end and she's just blabbing all the time. That's possible. But the truth is she's doing it towards the guide, because there's something that she's not getting when she shares it with women, and that's what this is really about.

Speaker 1: 6:12

If she's not after our empathy, what is it that she's after? And the first thing is dudes, we're wired differently. We tend to be goal-oriented point A to point B to point C. Hopefully, we are doing interesting things with our lives. We tend to be goal-oriented point A to point B to point C. Hopefully we are doing interesting things with our lives. We're going somewhere. We're on a mission, we've got purpose, we're seriously engaged, sincerely engaged with life, and all of that drives deep when we're doing it well. That is what creates the masculine energy inside of ourselves.

Speaker 1: 6:47

And when this woman comes to the table with us, she knows particularly for a high quality man, that he is putting his entire life on pause to listen to her and that feels completely different than one of her girlfriends, her mom or whatever. They all just flow together. It's just expected. But for a guy to stop everything that is doing in his life to give her his attention, that is actually the first thing that she's really looking for. She wants to know that she has your undivided attention. Realize that that is the gift that you're giving. She's talking all this and, rather than one of many women listening to her, she has a man listening to her and she has a man's undivided attention, and that is a completely different element in itself. Just to know that a guy is actually taking the time to, to show her that she is that important to him that he will actually listen, that is going to shift everything.

Speaker 1: 8:00

All right, guys, that's for that's point one. If you guys could drop a one in the chat just to make sure my camera and my microphone are still working, because I had technical issues last week and I want to be sure that everything is still coming through loud and clear. Great, awesome. One person heard me too. All good, all right, cool, great. So that is the first element that we need to remember. When a woman is yakking our ear off and we're like, why are you doing this? Realize, the first thing she wants to know is is she important enough? Can you is? Are you interested enough to give her your undivided attention? So give it to her that that is step one and that, honestly, that's just one of the one of the prices that we pay is is to is to provide that undivided attention. You don't have to give it indefinitely, you don't have to give an unlimited supply, but you do need to give it One second. The other thing, the next point, that women do when they're talking, is women tend to have.

Speaker 1: 9:13

Women relate to life differently than men. Men, we are problem solvers. We want to come in, screw the bolt into place, tighten it down and then problem solved, and we walk away like clear-minded. We're not taking that problem with us anymore. Sorry, guys, technical issues. I hope that doesn't keep happening. Men will tend to solve a problem and move on. We'll tend to solve a problem and take it off the plate. Solve a problem and take it off the plate. Women aren't really problem solving. Driven Women, in a lot of ways, are communally driven and they'll actually take on and absorb responsibilities that aren't really theirs and as they do this, it creates a buildup inside of them, it creates a backpack of weight and then they will go and talk to their girlfriends about all kinds of stuff that they are not responsible for, you know, between other people, other relationships, stuff happening on the other side of the globe that has that they have no real impact on, and it'll build up inside of them and they will talk with other women and other women will empathize and they're like, oh, I know, you know, yeah, no, she got a divorce from them and oh, and they're, they're, they're taking on empathetically the feelings of everyone else around them and it creates this big, huge pool of emotional mess between a lot of women.

Speaker 1: 10:48

There's cleaning up that goes on as well, but it's also just sort of sharing more emotions and making it even more kind of heavy over time for them. And so, again, when a woman comes to talk to a man, we're not doing that with her, we're not going to absorb those responsibilities, like fuck, no, that's not my job, that is not on my plate, and that is like a whole foreign experience for her, for her to be able to share a weight that is going on inside and for her to see that on this end, that's actually not sticking. She's given a model of a completely different type of emotional experience. What she's seeing through our masculine frame is emotional release. She brings problems, she brings crap from work, she brings stuff from it and she sees that we are not going to take it on in a burdensome way inside of ourselves, that we're going to release it and let it go. She's like, my God, that's a magic trick. How do you do that? She's not asking herself consciously and actually she's not even trying to figure out how to do it herself. She just knows that, as a man, when she comes to you and she shares these things and she sees that it passes through you like I'm going to have to look into new hardware, this is driving me nuts she will see that that passes through you like it's nothing and she will be like, oh my gosh, I found my outlet, I found my release valve for all of this emotional buildup inside of me, and it's name is man name of man on other side of table on date. When she has all this buildup and she starts talking away, we demonstrate what emotional release looks like and she gets to feel it because we're there and we're built to let things go. So when women aren't looking for your empathy, that's just echoing it back and it's staying there and building up and building up and building up. No, when she's sharing all this stuff, what she really wants is emotional release and we are the ones that demonstrate how that works. All right, guys, yeah, still a lot of fun technical issues. I just want to be sure you guys are still with me. Can you drop a two in the chat to make sure that you guys all heard point two? Cool, awesome, thank you, appreciate it. All right.

Speaker 1: 13:25

The last point that is what women are looking for and again, this is something that, for the most part, they're not going to get it from other women, partly because there's this empathetic echo chamber that's happening. It's just kind of like oh yeah, we need to worry about this, we need to worry about this. This is an issue. You know, just like I don't know, there's famines happening in Eastern Europe or something, and you know we have this big problem and we're just creating awareness and sensitivity around it. We need that emotional release, and one of the things about that emotional release is it has to be based in reality. We have to know that not just is somebody not worrying about a problem and the problem is still there. They need to know that when issues are brought to the table, that someone will fix them.

Speaker 1: 14:24

Now let me be really clear. She's not asking us to provide solutions to what she's doing. She's not asking us to fix the problem. What she wants is a presence in front of her that is capable of fixing the problems when we are called on or asked to do so. It's a very, very subtle but important difference. We're ready to solve problems as men whenever someone asks us to, but we are not proactively trying to solve all their problems when really all they're looking for is emotional release as guys, be super efficient and wait until it's clear that someone is asking us to solve the problem. But to have a problem solver sitting on the other side of the table and you know within yourself, every guy listening to this call, knows that we know how to fix that problem. We totally do. We know what the solution is.

Speaker 1: 15:23

Rather than getting entangled with the woman in trying to demonstrate it, argue it and get her to understand it. Own that problem-solving ability, the identity of a problem solver. You own it inside of yourself and you're like everything's going to be fine If you put me in charge of this. Everything's going to be fine. And that is the last thing, one of the most important things that a woman is looking for when she shares all this stuff, she wants to feel that everything will be okay. When she's sharing with other women, it's just kind of the excitement level, the burdens, the worries. They're in a lot of ways going up and up and up without anyone necessarily being the problem solver. That's a whole different nature to bring to that conversation. So when we as a guy sit down at that table, the idea is to embody the fact that everything's going to be okay and that lets her release the emotions a whole nother level.

Speaker 1: 16:23

So just to recap real quick women don't want your empathy, they don't want you to be a woman, they want you to show up very differently. That's why they're at the table with you, even though they've talked about this with all these other women. So the first thing they're looking for number one hello button. They want your undivided attention. They want to know that you're not just kind of there, kind of paying attention. They want to know that you are completely listening to what they're talking about, especially their concerns. They want to know that it's going in and echoing it back to them is totally, totally effective in making sure they know that they have your attention.

Speaker 1: 17:02

She's there because she needs emotional release. She gets some emotional release and a certain type of emotional regulation from other women when she has a strong, masculine man in front of her, listening to what she says. Boy, that provides a whole different type of emotional release, because we are demonstrating how you let go of this stuff. And the last one is when she shares it with a man who has his act together. She feels that everything is going to be okay. Might not be okay today, but she knows she is safe with you. She knows that she can come back to you, she can lean on you and that she wants to make love to you because everything is okay when she's with you. That is a fundamental part of the dynamic that men and women experience when they're having really good chemistry.

Speaker 1: 17:50

All right, so what do you do to develop this? That's the next question, and so here is your weekly growth challenge. I want you to listen to three women. This doesn't have to be on a date, this can be anywhere, but it's important that it's women. We need to work, we need to practice this dynamic. So listen to three women, share their feelings and, while they're sharing their feelings, replay this list that I've gone through. Am I giving them my undivided attention and yes, it's a gift Are they receiving an emotional release by listening to me, by me listening to them, and am I demonstrating that you can release this because everything's going to be okay? Am I showing up this way? This takes practice as a man in order to do it effectively.

Speaker 1: 18:37

So listen to three women, share their feelings while you review this list to yourself of what they really want. Become aware of this. The more you become aware of this, the more, when you're in a date, you'll become a sexier version of the man. The last thing is thank them for sharing before you go. The most validating statement you can say to a woman hands down bar none thank you for being exactly the way you are. If you want a woman to actually change, thank her for being the way she is. She will feel completely satisfied and then she might be open to changing a few things. So there we go. This is why women don't want your empathy as a man. I'm going to turn off the recording, turn on everybody's mics and videos and we're going to go back to our exciting conversation from before the call. All right guys, catch you in there, thank you.