Speaker 1: 0:05

okay. So thank you guys again for coming in this morning talking about it. So what do you do as a man? That goes unappreciated? Um, great topic, um, no, no lack of stories. As far as what? Um, what women don't say thank you for the planning? Um, for me, my personal one, is they don't say thank you for us waiting and paying attention. Um, yeah, there's, there's, there's an awful lot of effort that we put in as guys that that goes on. That goes in unappreciated for sure. And um, this is kind of the feeling that we get. Is we make this effort? Oh, so for guys that are just listening to this, they can't see it.

Speaker 1: 0:48

Dude showing up, dressed well and everything, with a bouquet of flowers bringing to girl. Ok, he's not the most confident guy, he's looking a little pathetic, but the woman obviously doesn't give a damn about what he's offering. He doesn't give, she doesn't give a damn about what he's bringing to the table. She's not appreciating what he's doing at all. And he's, he's making, he's making the effort, he's doing what he's been told he's supposed to do, um, where he's the picture of. You know that hollywood shows us over and over and over again that what a guy is supposed to do and uh, we, you know, mentioned in the call a minute ago sleeping beauty, sort of like the woman is waiting for the guy to show up, turn the key and get her to the ready state to actually engage. And when the woman just doesn't even show any appreciation for us making the effort gosh, that is like so flipping, frustrating. And the the funny thing is is, when we are doing this whole process, when we're when we're planning dates, when we're making the effort, when we're showing up, when we're doing all the shit that we've been told we need to do, there's this expectation that there's going to be a reciprocation, that she's going to appreciate it and that she's going to be open and receptive to connecting with us, or that somebody will, and that's normal. Our entire lives, we've been said okay, if I do my homework, I will get a gold star. If I eat my vegetables, I will get ice cream. If I, you know, take a shower, dress nice, you know, do my workout and you know, plan a fun date, I will get kissed and eventually fucked at the end of that date. Like that's what we've been told will happen and for some reason in today's society, like we are not getting that a lot of the time. Um, it's pretty rampant, um, throughout.

Speaker 1: 2:38

And what happens is this, this buildup of of a lack of appreciation, it, it stores up inside of us like a debt and we feel as guys, like we're owed something, and this is where it gets to a bad place. This is where it gets to the toxic side. This is one element of the nice guy syndrome that Glover writes about in his book no More, mr Nice Guy is the fact that there is a contract that is written by the society that's out there, and nice guys think that they are owed something implicitly because they've fulfilled their side of the contract. I've done all the things that I was told I was supposed to do and now I'm supposed to. I am entitled to receive things in return and it's understood in society without it being stated, and basically, what that comes down to is I'm owed something as a man.

Speaker 1: 3:33

If I'm walking around with a feeling of being owed things inside of my chest, that is going to be a turnoff. That's going to be a turnoff, for women is going to be a turnoff. That's going to be a turnoff for women because they don't want to go and they don't want to feel, even on a subconscious level, that they have to pay off the debt and make this guy somehow feel appreciated now after all of this buildup. Other people in society really are not turned on. I mean I hate seeing stuff on social media where all these little boys are just complaining about what they're owed. I mean I hate seeing stuff on social media where all these little boys are just complaining about what they're owed. I mean, well, a lot of people in society and on social media complain about what they're owed.

Speaker 1: 4:11

It's a turnoff for everybody, and whenever I have this feeling inside of myself that something is owed to me, I'm carrying a burden of the past with me in the present moment and it is weighing me down. I'm carrying a burden of the past with me in the present moment and it is weighing me down. It is not at all making me vibrant and alive in the moment that I'm in. I got to sever that. I have to break that burden. What happened yesterday, what happened last week, what happened 10 years ago, doesn't fucking matter anymore. I'm not nobody, nobody's keeping track. There's no ledger, there's no debt to be accrued, and if I'm carrying it inside of me, it is really, really going to cramp my style, weigh me down and it's going to turn off women and people around me in general.

Speaker 1: 5:03

So, still waiting for what you're owed. How do we break out of this mindset when we have this thought of I'm waiting for what I'm owed? How do I sever this? The first thing is we have to realize that these expectations that we've been given, that if I do these things, I will be rewarded with certain behavior, with certain whatever it is, it's not going to happen. I don't know when these came into place, but these expectations are gone.

Speaker 1: 5:37

So the first point out of the three, because we always have these three points on the Saturday morning. The first one is the contracts are broken. Always have these three points on the Saturday morning. The first one is the contracts are broken. Don't wait for what you're owed, because owed means that there was some kind of a contract. I don't know that these contracts ever really existed. You know, we have some idea that you know, maybe back when, in traditional senses, you know, this was a man's role, he did this and women reciprocated. Maybe in some cultures, maybe at some times, maybe with some individuals and groups. That was there and it's fulfilled. I've never experienced it in my entire life and I'm 46 years old at this point From what I can tell, living in the U? S the contracts are broken.

Speaker 1: 6:18

So if we're waiting for what we're owed, realize the people on the other side of that contract don't feel they owe us anything. The women don't feel like they owe us anything. The people don't feel like they owe us anything. So we have to let go of those contracts inside of ourselves. So everybody I see you guys are on camera, just wave your hands. Let me make sure we're still there yes, okay, cool, yeah, we're focused, but like slowly, okay, funny, nice, okay, now you're still waiting for what you're owed.

Speaker 1: 6:54

The other problem in going about this is not just the weight that we're carrying inside of ourselves, it's the verb of waiting itself. Masculine energy does not respond well. We do not come alive, we do not have purpose, we do not have attractive energy, dynamic flow going through us when we're waiting. Waiting is antithetical to the masculine action that makes our muscles pumped up, that makes our you know, that makes us bring life to every interaction. Waiting is the wrong word.

Speaker 1: 7:33

So waiting for what you're owed, really waiting for anything, is kind of a red flag, a little bit as a man, you do need patience in certain areas. You know you put the bun in the oven, you got to wait and let it cook. You need to wait until it comes to fruition. Women warm up slower than men in dating interactions. We have to exercise some patience and some waiting. We do. But when it becomes a chronic waiting, when we are constantly waiting to get what it is that we want, that has made waiting not about a certain situation and a certain person and a certain objective. When it becomes a chronic part of our own behavior, that is the problem. And the problem with waiting is that it is passive. Masculine energy comes alive when it's active. We have to always be leaning into that.

Speaker 1: 8:25

So here's the second point. If we're waiting for what we're owed, the problem is waiting is passive, and passive is powerless. One of the worst things we can feel as a guy when we're in our lives, and particularly when we're on a date, is that we are powerless. When we're waiting and when we're in that passive mode, we are already encouraging ourselves to feel powerless in the process. If I'm waiting for what I'm owed, I'm totally powerless to get it. Not a good feeling for me and again it's just going to accrue inside like death. That just feels like crap. So that is the second point Waiting is going to be passive, and passive means powerless, and no guy wants to feel that way and no woman wants to be with a man that is powerless. They want to be with a man that is not waiting for anything in life, goes towards it and she wants to go toward and she wants to be with a guy that feels imbued with power because he's actively pursuing things in his life.

Speaker 1: 9:28

So the real way that we turn this around if you're in this pattern of waiting for something that you're owed, you realize the contracts are over. It's not going to happen. Waiting is being passive. That's not going to lead anywhere. Instead, I have to realize that this isn't about a transaction. This isn't about me doing certain things, me making certain deposits, and then she will give me something in return. That would be looking at it from a fair point of view, a transactional point of view. That's not what is truly effective. That's not what happens in a romantic situation.

Speaker 1: 10:11

What happens in a romantic situation is I make a certain move and, whether she likes it or not, she likes the move, whether she was interested in me before I made the move doesn't matter, the move had an effect on her. It had an impact, and now she's responding to what I'm doing. She might be saying no, but I take a step closer and I've got this devilish grin on my face. I'm still respecting her, but I'm making it that much harder to resist. Face, I'm still respecting her, but I'm making it that much harder to resist. I'm again stepping into the power and and, and, and. I'm not looking at. Well, I'm doing all these things and waiting for you to reciprocate. No, I am actually taking action that will cause something different to react inside of her. I'm. It's almost mechanical that when I take the proper actions in the moment, I'm not waiting for her to reciprocate. I am seeing her response immediately, in real time.

Speaker 1: 11:10

And that's the third point here. When you're still waiting for what you're owed, break that shit. Be the cause and get the effect that you want from the woman. When you're on a date, you're going to cause her to feel things. You're going to cause her to have a certain experience in your presence. When you do that, there is going to be an effect on her and then you're going to get to enjoy the effects of that as a result. This is the absolute opposite of expecting a contract to do the work for you. Contracts are broken. They're not going to do the work. We have to do the work directly and seeing ourself as the cause that is then generating the effect that we want. So, to recap the three points here if you're still waiting for a churro, the first thing is make sure hello little button, God damn, there we go. First thing remind yourself, if they're owed something that's part of a contract, the contracts are broken, they're over, they're done. I'm not sure they ever existed, but they sure as heck, in our current society, are not going to give us what we're looking for as men.

Speaker 1: 12:24

The second one is if you are waiting for what you're owed, if you're waiting to be delivered, you are putting yourself into a very paused, stagnant position, and that paused stagnant position is passive. Waiting is passive, and passive is powerless. You don't want to be generating a powerless state inside of yourself. On the contrary, you want to be spinning up a much more powerful state and bringing that to the table. On the contrary, you want to be spinning up a much more powerful state and bringing that to the table. When you're in that powerful state. It's just natural to be the cause that you want and to get the effect that you're after. That's what a man who is active and powerful in his life is going to do on a date. You're not going to wait for what you're owed. You're going to be the cause and effect in that moment, at that table with the woman, all right.

Speaker 1: 13:15

So how do you put this into practice? You have to observe yourself. These are things that are going on on a very quiet level. They're belief systems. They're stuff that you might be even saying yeah, yeah, yeah, dallas, I know this, I get it. I'm aware of all this. I'm aware of all this and I see it happening in me all the time, every day. It's a matter of self-observation, it's a matter of becoming self-aware and it's a matter of swallowing that fucking pill when I see it and saying, no, I'm going to reprogram myself. So here's the weekly growth challenge that I've put in here to start, to start to rewire some of this.

Speaker 1: 13:54

So write down three occasions where you are silently waiting for or expecting to receive something as a man, and once you write these things down, let me see if I can come up with a concrete example, nothing's coming to me on my head. I'm not going to spend forever coming up with one of these, but I'm silently waiting or expecting for someone to thank me for something for carrying grocery, you know, helping them lift something into their truck or their car or whatever. And then I want to match each of these scenarios with two actions that could have delivered what I want directly. So, rather than being in a passive mode and waiting and expecting something to happen, here's an example. Actually, I can think about this.

Speaker 1: 14:43

This happened downtown Denver several years back. I was out with a group and meet up. There was me and another guy that were there and we were at the bar and he bought two girls drinks both of them drinks and they were like thank you. They chatted for a minute and then left. And then he turned to me and started to bitch about how unappreciative they were, how they just took the drinks and left. And I sat there and I thought, well, okay, you bought them drinks.

Speaker 1: 15:10

What exactly were you expecting? As a result? The actions that he could have taken were to invite them to something else, to ask them for their number to go up later and go hey, would you like to have a dance, but to go actively into the situation and follow up on that action. With another one Instead, he was feeling very frustrated and he felt he was owed something from these women because he had made a gesture and he had made something you got to follow through.

Speaker 1: 15:44

So write down three occasions where you're silently waiting for or expecting to receive something. Waiting for or expecting to receive something. This guy was expecting to receive something in exchange for buying her, buying these girls drinks. Reflect on that and match each scenario with two actions you could have delivered. That could have delivered what you want directly. What could this guy have done in that situation? To not wait and passively be disappointed, but instead take action to deliver it. Okay, that is the way that I think we could practice this and see it going forward. That is what I've got to offer here in about 20 minutes on. If you're still waiting for what you're owed and we're going to turn off the recording now and go back to the live session and I will catch you guys in there-